Hello darkness, my old friend.
Maybe 'friend' isn't quite the word I'm looking for. You see, I am a survivor of sexual abuse. A silent survivor. One of a multitude. A vast and tragic multitude. This friend, this darkness, is something I have lived with for a very long time. 31 years. 70% of my life. It comes and goes and most of the time I am fine. Most of the time I don't have to think about it. Most of the time it is just a part of who I am. I have learned to live with the experiences, the feelings. And most of the time I have adjusted. I have learned to cope.
But sometimes things happen that bring it all back. The emotions wash over me. Flooding, pelting, pouring, drenching. Threatening to drown me. And mostly I suffer alone.
Silent once more.
It happens when a man makes me feel unsafe. It happened with the Larry Nassar case. The #metoo movement. And again this past month with the Brett Kavanaugh nomination.
I have been silently screaming for weeks. I am in agonizing unspoken pain. I think a lot of women are. Far, far too many.
I cannot go anywhere or do anything without seeing or hearing something about Dr. Ford and her experience. Without someone voicing their ignorant and uninformed opinion. Someone who doesn't believe her. Someone who contradicts her. Someone who mocks her. Someone who questions her motives. Her integrity.
Someone who is not a survivor of sexual abuse.
I am reminded again of all the reasons I have remained silent. Of all the reasons why so many do. Because they think they will be doubted, humiliated, discredited, and shamed. And they are right. We are all watching together as these fears are realized, as they unfold on a national scale. We are being shown, once more, that sexual abuse survivors have nothing to gain and everything to lose.
I won't quote data. I won't give you statistics. They exist. They are facts. You can look them up if you want to. Or not. I will say this: No one is entitled to an opinion about whether or not someone's experience is true. No one.
And everyone deserves the chance to speak. To be heard. To be listened to.
The thought of breaking my silence, even now, has my heart pounding. It has me crying and shaking.
There are countless reasons to stay silent. And not a lot, if any, to speak up. But maybe...just maybe...it’s time to scream out loud.
