Thursday, March 12, 2015

Belated Birf-Day Post

I had every intention of posting on my birthday. But my birthday sucked. And I had neither the energy nor the wherewithal to even log onto a computer, let alone write a blog post. Why did my birthday suck? Well, it had nothing to do with getting older. I have made my peace with this new decade of my life. (I think.) And I have also convinced myself that I just get better with age. Better at what? I'm not exactly sure. But certainly something...even if it is just wrinkling.
It sucked mostly because I made the unfortunate decision 40+ years ago to be born in the wrong season. Ok, technically I didn't make that decision. And my mom says that the doctor originally gave her a due date in the middle of January. She likes to tell me that I was 6 weeks overdue. Obviously the doctor was mistaken. Either that or I held out as long as I possibly could in an attempt to make it to spring. I failed. So mostly my birthday sucked because I had just left Arizona, where February is sunny and beautiful to come back to Utah, where it is decidedly not. Or in other words, I had just left this:

To come back to this:

Yes, that is an actual picture of my sister's backyard and an actual picture of my front porch on my birthday. What. The. Crap.

I mean it wasn't the worst birthday ever, by a long shot. And I did spend almost the entire day in sweatpants eating delicious food and watching Downton Abbey. So not a total loss. But as you can see, for someone who loves the sun and hates the cold, it was kind of a sucky birthday. 

The point is, I intended to blog 40+ fun facts about me on my birthday. And I didn't. So I'm doing it now. Because it actually reached temperatures close to 60 degrees this week. Which means I'm feeling much better. So here you go: my (belated) birthday gift to you all. 

40+ Things You Would Have Been Perfectly Fine Never Knowing About Me
1. I love hot dogs. Love them. And I am not the least bit interested in knowing what they're made of. So please don't tell me.
2. I am convinced that déjà vu IS actually a glitch in the Matrix.
3. I love llamas. I want to own one some day. Or maybe two; they get lonely.
4. Armageddon is one of my favorite movies. It's fantastically ridiculous and quotable. And features Bruce Willis, Steve Buscemi, AND Michael Clarke Duncan. What's not to love?
5. The only way I can sleep is on my side in the fetal position. Ever.
6. When I sleep alone I construct a pillow fort, with big fat pillows on either side of me. To protect me from ghosties and goblins...who are deathly afraid of pillows.
7. I hate when movie theater rows have an even number of seats, because I like to sit perfectly in the middle of the row. Even if it's not the middle of the screen.
8. I once told a horribly bad blind date in the middle of a terribly uncomfortable dinner that I had to get home to watch Xena. And then I went home and watched Xena.
9. I don't think Brad Pitt is at all attractive.
10. I have major parking garage anxiety. The Disneyland parking garage is like my worst nightmare.
11. I can't whistle. At all.
12. For the first couple years after I moved to Utah whenever anyone said they were going to build a house, I thought they meant physically build. And I felt grossly incompetent because I had absolutely no construction knowledge or experience. I thought maybe they taught it in Utah schools.
13. I have had a major crush on Jon Stewart for as long as I can remember. Because he is hilarious. And has a great nose.
14. I could eat candy canes every day. All year long. But only the real kind. No gross fruit flavored ones.
15. I am spectacularly talented at driving with my knees. When the occasion calls for it.
16. I think marshmallows are disgusting.
17. If I could be any mythical creature I would want to be a vampire. Or a mermaid. Or a vampire-mermaid.
18. I hate Tom Hanks. I don't know why. I just do. I always have.
19. I don't believe in having house plants. Because they just seem like one more thing that would need my attention.
20. I can't stand to not have my toenails painted. Even in the dead of winter.
21. I think John Travolta might be Satan. I'm not sure why. He just strikes me as someone who would be.
22. I get sick every time I eat buttery popcorn from the movies. But every time I go to the movies, I eat buttery popcorn.
23. I have a major girl-crush on Emma Stone. I know what you're thinking: She's too young for me. And you're probably right.
24. Loose and missing teeth gross me out more than almost anything in the universe.
25. Except bats. Flying rodents are the worst thing ever.
26. And opposums. Which are really just R.O.U.S.s. who didn't stay in the Fire Swamp.
27. I think Michael and Latoya Jackson are the same person. So he's not actually dead.
28. My one claim to fame is that I was the only white girl at my elementary school who could jump double dutch. 
29. I hate roundabouts. I don't understand them and I don't like them. They're worse than parking garages.
30. In a perfect world I am married to Patrick Stewart. And having an affair with Jimmy Fallon. And when Patrick dies, I will marry Jon. And I could keep my last name.
31. I look better in my driver's license photo than I do in the last family pictures we had taken.
32. If I could have any super power, I would want photogenicity. Or the ability to fly.
33. I am such a control freak that on the rare occasions when I actually turn on cruise control in the car, I usually realize after about 3 minutes that I'm not using it anymore. But I never remember turning it off.
34. If I had to pick just one app I couldn't live without, it would be IMDb.
35. I think Calvin & Hobbes is one of the best creations of the 20th century. 
36. I think one-ply toilet paper is one of the worst creations of ...whatever century it was created in.
37. My disposition is powered entirely by sun. I prefer a day that is 30° and sunny to one that is 55° and cloudy.
38. When I was little, my brother and I tried to find the formula for making Smurfs by combining several household liquids. And blue food coloring. In an old chocolate milk container. It's a wonder we didn't blow ourselves up.
39. I think I could subsist entirely on Swedish Fish and Sour Patch Kids. And maybe Red Vines.
40. The day I can master a Scottish accent will be a great day for me.
41. I have never, ever been able to do a cartwheel. But after I broke my wrist in 8th grade, I told everyone that was why I couldn't do one.

That's it. I probably will never do that again. If you made it through the entire list, congratulations. You either really love me. Or you're really bored.

Happy belated birfday to me. I'm holding off on further celebrations until the thermometer hits 80.


  1. Okay, so I knew MOST of those, but not quite all of them. You certainly hide your parking garage fears very well. (I myself duck my head the whole time I'm driving in them, lest I hit my head on the low ceilings.) Also, you didn't mention that you have to cover your ear with a blanket whilst laying in said fetal position, or what the most important ingredient for making Smurfs is. ;-) Also, will you make me one of these lists for MY birthday, cuz this is one of the coolest things ever.

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  3. Happy birthday! You are an awesome person and I love your blogs. You can come hang out with me and gripe about the weather anytime you want. We can watch Jon Stewart, too.

    1. Aw thanks Melissa. That sounds perfectly lovely! Can we eat hot dogs and Swedish Fish, too?