Sunday, September 13, 2009

The Twisted Turnip

Did I say I was going to start posting weekly? Well, what I actually meant was monthly. Yeah, that's it, MONTHLY. I can't believe it's really been a month since I posted last. And if you count it in pregnancy years, it's been like 6 months and 50 pounds. Ridunkulous.

Well, the baby has been progressing through various stages of fruit and vegetable. I can't remember what the latest one was, but I know that within the last week or two, it was the size of a turnip. That's right folks, I said a turnip. Now if you are like me and are not Peter Rabbit or one of his perfect little, no-trouble causing siblings with a name that rhymes with -opsy, you really have no idea what a turnip is. All I know is that this one has a seriously twisted sense of humor. Supposedly, the fetal development has not yet extended to the practical joke playing portion of the brain, and many would argue that babies cannot yet be intentionally mean, but I beg to differ. In fact, if memory serves me right, I'm pretty sure that all of my children had the same sick sense of in-utero humor. And if you know them now, you'll agree that it's not that hard to believe that they were causing me trouble in even the earliest stages of development.

Let me back up a little by saying that I have insanely, intensely miserable heartburn throughout all of my pregnancies. From beginning to end. It gets to the point where I am receiving most, if not all, of my nutritional value from various flavors of Tums. Not the baby's fault, though, right? I mean, kind of, but not any more than the stretch marks and weight gain and overwhelming exhaustion are. No, how I know that my baby has a particularly mean and twisted sense of humor is because of the cravings. Those I totally blame on the baby. Baby decides it wants a Hostess chocolate pudding pie, and what are you gonna do? You've gotta eat it regardless of the fact that there are a whopping 520 calories in each one. (But that's a story for a different day.) The point is that cravings are totally the baby's fault. And my babies think it would be hilariously funny to make me crave foods that they know cause me the worst acid reflux ever. Spicy chicken sandwiches, carne asada burritos, deep fried zucchini, deep fried corn dogs, deep fried just about anything, you get the picture. If it causes me misery, the baby has to have it.

Mean, mean baby. And if that weren't bad enough, when I am in the throes of the most acid caused anguish ever, I swear I can hear it just chortling away down there. Very funny. This baby had better just watch its back. I've got half a mind to take it right back to Mr. McGregor's garden where it came from.


  1. Oh man. I gotta be honest--you do make the baby hunger in me lessen drastically, remembering the heartburn....I'm sorry! And I can definitely believe that your baby really does have a sick sense of humor. ;D

  2. A turnip is much better than a grain of rice. At least it's a little more substantial, right? I mean, it better be, if its eating food like that.

    Ah, pregnancy. I have such fond memories of being in love with TUMS and just pouring the entire bottle down my throat several times daily. Forget that you aren't supposed to take more than 4 at a time and once every 4 hours or whatever. Haven't the TUMS people ever met a pregnant lady with heartburn?

  3. I too used TUMS a lot when I was pregnant (more so with Zoie than Jonas though). I'm not sure that they helped. I think it was sort of a mental thing for me.

    Anyway, it's great to see you posting again! Hope to see you in a couple of months when I'm doing in St. G.

  4. I loathe tums and it only makes it worse when you have to rely on them to survive. Andrea...when you come down we should all get together for lunch!

  5. Dear Cyndie,

    Did you actually mean yearly? Because I'm having withdrawals from you, and you need to update something here....

    Missing you lots,