But I Won't Do That

Recently a {young, fit} friend sent me an article titled,  5 Reasons Why You Can't See Your Abs. My first instinct was to take offense, but I know his intentions were pure. He's just trying to help a girl out. Whatever. I can actually think of 4 reasons off the top of my head right now why you can't see my abs, and they are 19, 13,11, and 5 years old. Do I love all 4 of those reasons to death? Yes. But the truth of it is that they have caused my abs to be buried so far under depths of skin that has been stretched beyond its limits, that they exist now as only a thing of faith. I cannot see them, but I believe that somewhere...they are there.

The article was not about exercise, but all about diet. Of course it was. Because what good is running miles every week or doing 500 sit-ups a day if you are still eating like crap? Apparently, no good at all. And don't get me wrong, I can count calories with the best of them. I can drink green smoothies, and eat nothing but carrots for dinner and egg white omelets for breakfast. What I am unwilling to do? Give up regular soda. And carbs. 

My reasoning? There are few things in life I enjoy. Most of my days are laden with obligations, and stress, and exhaustion. Something I do enjoy? Washing down a loaf of French bread with a giant Vanilla Coke. This is no doubt the reason why despite going to the gym every week for the last 3 weeks, I still can't lose the 7 pounds I gained in 5 days of vacation. Whatever. That's why stretchy jeans were invented.

Well, do you know what goes really good with empty calories and obstinacy? Meatloaf. Nope, not the gross hamburger kind. I could give that crap up in a heartbeat. I'm talking about the Ultimate Prince of Rock Ballads kind. The capital M capital L kind. And while he would do anything for love, I would do anything for abs. 

Do I know that soda is poison and simple carbs are the devil? Yes.

Do I know that eliminating them from my diet may just give me unbelievable results? Yep. 

Will I give them up? No. I won't do that. 

And I would do anything for abs
I'd run a mile around the track
I would do anything for abs
I'd do a million crunches on the mat
But I'll never forget how good it tastes right now
Oh no. No way
And I would do anything for abs, but I won't do that
No I won't do that

Some days the bread is cheesy
Some days the bread is hard
Some days you crave jalapeño kettle cooked chips, they're the best
But they'll make your breath like fire
You'll need a big Coke with ice 
Some nights a big box of donuts can help you out when you get stressed

Maybe I'm crazy, oh it's crazy and it's true
I could go a few days of eating nothing but cabbage soup

But as much as I love starvation
As long as there's carbonation
As long I still have teeth to chew
You'd better believe it, that I would do

Anything for abs
I'll cut back on unhealthy snacks
I would do anything for abs, I'll give up Captain Crunch and Apple Jacks
But I'll never forgive myself if I really had to switch...to brown rice
I would do anything for abs
Oh, I would do anything for abs
Oh, I would do anything for abs, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

Some days I bake a pizza
And some days it's homemade rolls
Some days I just make clam chowder and eat it in a warm bread bowl
Some nights I toast a bagel
(There's no calories in the hole)
Some nights I think for a piece of key lime pie I'd sell my soul

Maybe I'm stubborn, but I'll eat dressing that's fat free
And that's not the only, not the only diet tip I'll keep

And I can do moderation
But not complete deprivation
So I'll just drink Coke, not Mountain Dew
You'd better believe it

That I would do anything for abs
I will work out daily, that's a fact
I would do anything for abs, I wouldn't mind having a sweet six-pack
But the only kind of six-pack that I will ever have is of Coke. Of Coke.
I would do anything for abs
Oh, I would do anything for abs
Oh, I would do anything for abs, but I won't do that
No, no, no I won't do that

And I'll never stop drinking Cherry Coke with crushed ice. There's no way. No way.
I would do anything for abs
Oh, I would do anything for abs
I would do anything for abs, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

Will you raise your heart rate? Will you strengthen your core?
Will you try to hold a plank pose for five minutes or more?
Will you try to lift a little more weight?

I can do that
Oh I can do that

Will you give up brownies? Will you give up cake?
Every morning will you try to choke down a protein shake?
Even though I know it doesn't taste great

I can do that
Oh no, I can do that

Will you grill a turkey burger with your own two hands?
Will you eat it on a wheat bun even though it tastes bland?
Can you try to cook more healthy at home?

I can do that
I can do that

Will you not eat from the Happy Meals your kids got?
Will you let them eat their own french fries, even though they're hot?
Will you leave their chicken nuggets alone?

I can do that
Oh no, I can do that

After a while of this exercising thing
You still won't see your abs and it'll be coming up on spring
You will make the switch to drinking diet soda

I won't do that
I won't do that

Maybe you will start by adding BodyShred
But before you know it, you'll be giving up bread

Soon you'll start wrapping things in lettuce

I won't do that
No, I won't do that

Anything for abs
Oh, I would do anything for abs
I would do anything for abs, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

They say to never say never. So I guess there is always the possibility that I could change my bad habits. That maybe...just MAYBE...there will come a day when I give up soda. Or carbs. 

But it is not this day.