Wednesday, August 5, 2015

If I Were a Boy

It turns out that Kanye West reads my blog. And he is furious. Apparently in all of my song rewrites (which are a favorite of his) I have conspicuously left guessed it...Beyonce. I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, how could I have been so insensitive? The only explanation that I have for my behavior is Beyonce's pure talent. I mean, Beck may have won Album of the Year, but we all know that Beyonce had the Best Album of ALL TIME. And I just really felt inadequate to touch her phenomenal lyrics.

I mean, let's be honest: Can't keep your eyes off my fatty, Daddy. I want you.

Can that be improved upon? No. No, it cannot. It really says it all. She (and her four co-writers) are able to capture with perfect artistry what it feels like to be both drunk AND in love. That's not an easy thing to do.

But I guess it's true what they say: Imitation is the best form of flattery. And who am I to disappoint Kanye?

As luck would have it, I have been thinking a lot recently about what it would be like to be a little boy. We took a recent family trip (because "vacation" is a bit of a misnomer) to California, and I could not get over how much my 5-year-old was looking forward to it. For two weeks before we went he kept asking me, "Are we leaving today?" Only to be reduced, almost to tears, when he found out that we were not. (And when I say "almost to tears," I mean he had a total meltdown each time.)

When we were finally loaded into the car and on our way, he kept chanting, "Cal-i-fornia! Cal-i-fornia! Va-CA-tion! Va-ca-TION!" Don't get me wrong, I much prefer that to the normal chanting of, "I don't like this song!" "She's sitting too close to me!" "I'm hungry!!" But I kind of didn't get it.

I finally looked back and said, "Um, can I tell you a secret?"
To which he promptly answered, "What??"
And I said, "You are a 5-year-old little boy. Every day of your life is a freaking vacation."

Luckily my cynicism did nothing to dampen his spirits or his eagerness. And, even I have to admit, it was a little bit cute. But, really, it's summer. He hasn't started school yet. He spends all day doing pretty much whatever he wants. Mostly in pajamas. What would that be like?

So as a tribute to the one and only Beyonce, and to my adorable, indefatigable little man, I give you: If I Were a Boy

If I were a boy, even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed at 10:30
And I wouldn't take a bath or get dressed.
I'd play with my cars
And watch some TV
Spill Frosted Flakes on the carpet
And I wouldn't bother to clean it up.
Isn't that what mom's for?

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to do the laundry
I wouldn't fill my pockets with sand.
I wouldn't pee on the floor
'Cause I know that it's gross
And when the bowl is 20 inches
There just is no explanation
And I know it makes my mom so annoyed.

If I were a boy
I'd leave my toys on the floor
'Til everything was broken
Then I'd want someone to buy me some more.
I'd sleep on the ground
Instead of in my nice bed
Put one hand in my armpit
And my owl blanket over my head
(My head)

If I were a boy
I think I could comprehend
How it feels to scrub the walls
I'd put my boogers in a Kleenex.
I wouldn't eat in the car
'Cause I know that it's hard
For mom to climb in the back seat
To vaccuum out the Skittles
And the melted and re-formed Almond Joy

It's a little too late for you to still be awake.
Another Transformers: Prime?
You've got to give me a break.
If you thought that this room was yours,
You thought wrong.

But you're just a boy
And you don't understand
But you'll grow up soon enough
And someday you will be a man
You'll have your own son
And you'll know how it hurts
To step on his action figures
Or get pegged with plastic bullets
And he won't stop 'til your house is destroyed

But you're just a boy

1 comment:

  1. I'm. Dying. Laughing. And I totally don't know this song at all, but now I have to listen to it so that I know what tune to sing it to. You totally win the song re-write prize. Even if Kanye tries to tell you that Michael Jackson coulda done it better.