Swimsuit Shopping: The Original Suidical Ideation

Swimsuit catalogs are arriving in the mail. And not a moment too soon. I mean, months and months too soon if you live in Cedar City, Utah. BUT, if Spring Break is coming up and you are planning to make a break for Goodyear, Arizona...not a moment too soon. 

Except for one teensy, weensy thing: 
I hate buying a swimsuit. I hate trying on a swimsuit. I hate wearing a swimsuit. 

I want to say that the last time I felt good in a swimsuit was about...4 children and two decades ago. 

My youngest child is 6. I think I might've finally hit my pre-pregnancy weight when he was...maybe 4. (And that was my pre-pregnancy with HIM weight. Not my pre-childbearing weight.) 
I've been working out pretty regularly for the last 2 years. I am almost to the point where I feel fairly confident about how I look in (most) clothes. Do you know what feeling good in clothes does not translate into? That's right. Feeling good in a swimsuit. 

The first catalog to arrive was Victoria's Secret. This is the suit I want:

OK. That's a lie. I mean, the swimsuit is cute as heck, but let's be honest: I could give a crap about the suit. What I really want? To LOOK like that in a swimsuit. Any swimsuit. I'm not picky.

I was feeling pretty daring last year and thought maybe I could pull off one of those cute high-waisted numbers like this:

Because I think that two inches of my stomach might actually be free of PTBW (Post Traumatic Baby Wounds.) So I ordered one online. I even got it two sizes bigger than what I normally wear. (Because fool me once, China...) And then it arrived. What they didn't tell you? Apparently that model's torso is exactly 6 inches long. From collarbone to navel. Because that gap was more like 18 inches. (And I DEFINITELY have PTBW on that part of my stomach.) Also, that they don't make this swimsuit in regular people sizes. Because an XL fit my 5'6" 104 lb 13-year-old. EXTRA LARGE!

The DownEast catalog came next. And there's some really cute suits in there too. But again, everything looks cute on a 98 lb 20-year-old. I mean, come on...

Women with thighs like this, do NOT buy swimsuit bottoms like this. Oh, you didn't know those were her thighs? You thought those were two loose threads hanging down? Yeah, me too.

I know exactly what you're thinking. I am setting feminism back 80 years by whining and moaning about how I look in a swimsuit.

Because I should be judging myself on how I nurture, and love, and think, and create. Whatever.

I wish I was setting women back 80 years.

Because then we'd all be wearing swimsuits like this:

And I'm pretty sure I could ROCK that look.