Wednesday, May 7, 2014

All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my breakdown.

No really. I'm pretty sure I'm overdue. I know it's (literally) been years since I posted to my blog. (That's actually kind of why I think it's no big deal for me to have my online breakdown...I'm fairly certain I don't have any readers left.) 

I just need a short 10 minutes or so to feel sorry for myself and then I will suck it up and move on. Cuz that's what I do. Honestly, what I really need is to just have an outlet for my tumultuous emotions. If only for a minute. 

Somehow I have become the person that isn't really allowed to have negative feelings. I mean, I can have them. I'm just not allowed to express them. I think maybe it is just part of being a mom? I'm not sure. I just know that especially to my family I am that person that cannot fall apart. No matter what. Because if I fall apart, the whole world falls apart, (it'll be anarchy.) I am not sure how this happened. If I could go back and start over, I would definitely stand in the "people-who-want-to-claim-the-right-to-have-regular-and-consistent-nervous-breakdowns." But I guess that will have to wait for next time. 

This is not to say that I am always 100% in charge of my emotions. I rant. And yell. And scream. And occasionally dump laundry baskets full of clean clothes on my kids (only once though, and she really kinda deserved it.) 
But when it comes to, say, my husband losing his job for the second time in two years and possibly not being able to work ever again, but also not quite having enough vision loss to qualify for disability, well that's when I have to be the rock. I have to be the calm one. Who reassures everyone that everything will be just fine. While trying to come up with a plan to support my family. And looking at my third (THIRD) failed attempt just since living in Cedar that I have tried to finish my degree. (I just submitted my transcripts and application to SUU last week for Fall 2014 Semester. I've previously been accepted there twice.) The one who figures out what to do next, and how to finish paying for Fan's braces without insurance, and how we are going to eat, and pay our mortgage, and send Fan to college. I have to be that one. 

And I don't want to. I want to curl up in the corner and cry until I pass out. And then wake up and cry some more. I want to scream. And yell. And lose complete control. And mostly, I want someone to fix it for me. Cuz I am bone tired of trying to fix everything myself. I don't want to be reliable. I don't want to be dependable. I want to be the crazy one who can't deal with one more thing. Because I am honestly not sure that I can. 

In the meantime, until this magic problem-solver comes along, I have to have my tiny breakdowns in private. I have to sit alone in the car and hyperventilate. I have to turn up the music really loud while I'm in the shower so no one can hear me cry. But mostly I just have to be okay. So that everyone else will be okay.

I know that there are many people in the world that have bigger and more difficult problems than me. I know that I do not have a corner on the market of trials. Goodness knows I wouldn't trade my problems for lots of other ones that people have to endure. I know this. But I still want my breakdown. I think I've earned it. 

That's all. Pity party over. I can go on now. And as one of my favorite songwriters said (and his funny-haired friend harmonized), a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries. (Nope, Paul Simon, not Fergie...although she did say that big girls don't cry which is close.)


  1. Oh, sweetie. I so wish that I could fix it all for you. You are welcome to come and cry in my bed at any time. And I will feed your kids. And write your papers. Love you so much.

  2. That was an amazing rant my friend! First of all you are a very talented writer. As a former magazine editor and publisher I've seen my fair share of blogs and articles. You are good! Second of all, my heart goes out to you. Our family has recently been through hell and back so I can relate in many ways. Continue to be grateful for and cling to your testimony. God tests us so we can prove to OURSELVES how strong we are because HE already knows. Love you friend!

  3. Oh my friend. This makes my heart ache! I wish so badly that I could come over and do all the things for you. Just so you could take a long rest and not have to worry. It's hard to be the glue and hard to be the fixer, but please know you're not alone. I'm here, striving too, and praying for your relief. Love you.