Thursday, January 29, 2015

Slogans: Because I'm Not in Advertising. But Maybe I Should Be.

So I am sure you ALL remember back when I was job-hunting and mentioned that when I was younger I thought that I might go into advertising. (In case being a stay-at-home-witch didn't work out for me.Which, alas, it didn't.) But then it turns out that neither Larry Tate NOR Don Draper were hiring, so a sad but distinct no-go on that one. Which does not mean in any way shape or form that I do not spend much of my time coming up with slogans for things. Because I totally do. And it just seems greedy not to share. And my head is fuzzy from this Ebola-like flu that has been tormenting me, so I can't think of anything of substance to blog about. So slogans it is.

Here are a few I came up with while being sick for the last 7 days:

Kleenex: If You Use Enough, You Won't Need a Blanket.
This one is on account of, I used 2 1/2 boxes of Kleenex in about 1 1/2 days. For real. One of those days was spent entirely in bed. (No, not doing homework, watching Netflix. Duh! And blowing my nose. A lot.) And at one point my bed was so littered with said Kleenex that I became certain that if I had the skills, I could totally connect them all into one great (and totally disgusting) germ-filled-Kleenex quilt.
So gross. I know. Aren't you glad I shared?

Children's Motrin: Making Kids Feel as Good as Only Heroin Does for Adults
This is in no way an advertisement for heroin. And really, I'm just guessing on that front. BUT, my 4-year old has been sick too. The only difference being that medicine actually makes him feel better. Like literally 15 minutes after a mere 1 1/2 tbsp. of children's motrin he can go from complete lethargy to practically bouncing off the walls. And saying, "I'm not sick anymore!!" (followed by some sniffling and hacking.) I don't know about you, but I can't remember a time when ibuprofen or anything else sold over-the-counter OR behind it made me feel that good. What the heck do they put in that stuff??

Nostrils: Huh! Yeah. What Are They Good For? Absolutely Nothing. (Say It Again Ya'll)
I know what you're thinking, this sounds more like a song lyric than a slogan. Right? I thought the same thing. This one is inspired by, I can't breathe. That's all.

And since school is now the most invasive and time-consuming part of my life, I would be remiss if I didn't have at least a couple school-related slogans.

College: Paying Exorbitant Amounts of Money to Be Tortured
Yes, it's that expensive. And yes, it's that bad. At least community colleges let you purchase your torture for less. Maybe that should be their new ad campaign...

Geology: Making Even Volcanoes Boring. One Eruption at a Time.
I love volcanoes. I watch documentaries about volcanoes. In fact, if the Discovery Channel offered a double-feature Shark Week followed by Volcano Week, well let's just say...I'd see you in two weeks. But this Geology class I'm taking, which seemed like such a good idea at the time, has turned out to be not so much. Teacher: Dull. Text: Dull. Volcanoes: Dull. I didn't think it was possible, but there it is.

Psychological Statistics: All the Greek Letters. None of the Jello Shots.
If you don't know what I'm talking about. Good. That means you decided to major in something besides Psychology. That makes you a genius in my book. Did you know there was anything worse than Stats 1040? I didn't. Or I would've dropped out by now. This statistics class features a lovely thing called scientific notation. Which is a fancy way of saying, all the Greek letters you never wanted to memorize but now you have to. Like mu. Pronounced myoo, like what a French cow says. Which just stands for average or mean. But apparently those are too easy to say. I think if I'm going to have to memorize the Greek alphabet I should at least be in a sorority. Just saying.

And then just a few more random ones for good measure.

Fluorescent Lights: If You Don't Look Bad, We Aren't Working.
The bathroom at work has fluorescent lights. It's horrible. Fluorescent lights and mirrors should never inhabit the same space. Ever.

Kids: Ruining Your Body, But...Oh, Wait, Nope...Ruining Everything Else Too.
It's not very catchy, but it is very true. My carpets are ruined. My walls are ruined. My couches are ruined. My energy level is ruined. And for those of you with little ones who think it is bound to get better. Well, it's not. My old-enough-to-know-better kids are home alone now for a few hours every day. Which means I come home to dinner ready and a clean house. HA! HA! No I don't. I come home to my soda gone, dirty socks in my bed and "What's for dinner??" Which is not to say that I don't love the nasty little buggers. I totally do. I'm just saying they're not as nice, or clean as I would love for them to be.

Burger King: Have it Your Way.
Nope that one's not mine. But nobody ever tells me that. So just thanks, Burger King. Thanks.

1 comment:

  1. Just so you know, all of those slogans would make me buy all of these things. Except maybe the germ quilt. And the Psychological statistics. And well, probably also not the kids who ruin everything. (I've already got four of those of my own, thankyouverymuch. Okay, so maybe nothing on this page but the Motrin and the Burger King. Definitely the Burger King. But you've got a knack for coming up with some great material, that's for sure. Quick, maybe it's not too late to change your major!

    (Also, when a French cow it making a myoot point?)