Thursday, January 8, 2015

What I Thought I Knew

So it turns out that there are certain things about myself that I assumed were true. I have believed these things most, if not all, my adult life. To quote a good friend of mine, Dwight K. Schrute: "Nothing rhymes with orange. False. Orange and nothing do not rhyme." OK, Dwight isn't really a friend of mine. And really the only thing I'm actually quoting him on is the "false" part. But it is my belief that Dwight is a funny guy who should be quoted more often. At any rate, I have come lately to realize some things about myself that are simply not what I thought. Much like the epiphany I had a few years ago that I am actually a bundle of high-strung neuroses rather than the chill, calm person I once thought I was, I have come to other enlightening self-discoveries over the past few months.{This is not to be confused with the time several years ago that my husband told me that one of my greatest flaws was: "Sometimes you think you're funny. But you're not." Because I am still convinced that I am always funny. I don't care what he says.}

Misconception #1: I Am Flexible
I have typically thought of myself as spontaneous. A gal who doesn't mind change. A fun-loving kind of person who welcomes things that are new and different. NOPE! I don't. In fact, I hate them, these new and different things. I hate that when I finally start to get into any sort of rhythm, in walks something unfamiliar and strange and usually difficult. I hate it. I am starting to understand that there really is no such thing as normal. And I am displeased. I thought I was okay with change. That I was up for it. That I could face transition with grace and good-humor. I'm not. And I can't. I am neither dignified nor amused. Last year brought more changes to my status-quo than I can handle with any sense of decorum. I am a mess.

Yes, I have read Who Moved My Cheese? It was dumb. And whoever moved it should just put it back where they found it. My Ritz crackers are getting lonely and they don't taste good by themselves.

Misconception #2: I Like a Challenge
Moving to a different state? What a fun adventure! Being a mom? Fantastic! Starting a {million}new job{s}? Exciting! Learning new skills? Invigorating! Going back to school? Awesome! Oh Cyndie. You sad, silly fool. Remember when you were all smug {and exhausted} and so proud of yourself {and relieved} to be done with your first full-time semester at USU? And you thought, "Hey! I can do this!" And you actually thought you could. And then you started your second semester. And you realized you might absolutely die this time. Because it turns out that your first semester was actually a cakewalk compared to what you have to deal with this semester. And probably any and all future semesters. And then you wanted to cry. Literally. Every second of every day.

This is not to say that I haven't faced formidable obstacles in the past. And survived them. I have and I did. But maybe there's a limit. Maybe there are only so many difficult things you can get through alive. If there is, I think I have hit that limit. Truly. I no longer have faith in my ability to rise to the challenge. I just want to eat Crunchy Cheddar Jalapeno Cheetos and watch Netflix. I don't want a college degree anymore. I changed my mind. I am old and tired. Figuring out what to wear and what to make for dinner every day is challenge enough.

Misconception #3: I Like to Learn New Things
I am a naturally curious person. I like to know how things work. I like to see what makes them tick. I like figuring things out for myself rather than being told how to do them or having someone else do them for me. I simply assumed that this meant that I liked to learn new things. A new job should be fun. School should be fascinating. WRONG. As it turns out, I hate learning new things. New things are stupid. I know enough. I don't want to know any more things. Especially anything that has the word "statistics" in it. Especially that.

Additionally, I also thought I was more clever, brave, and resilient than I am. I am none of these things. I am scared and overwhelmed and a big fat baby. I just hope it never turns out that I'm really not as funny as I think I am. Or there's really going to be trouble.

1 comment:

  1. Did I already say that I love you? I do. Because you are awesome. And clever, and brave, and resilient. It's just that while that blacksmith is hammering away at your hot, near-melted self, it doesn't feel like it. But one day, when the fire has finally cooled, you will look at yourself and see what an amazing creation {you know, one of those cool metal objects that blacksmiths hammer away at} you have become. I promise.

    {Horseshoe? Sword? Chain? The possibilities are endless!}