Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Dear Statistics,
I guess we both knew this day was coming. We make each other miserable. You, with your coefficients and indecipherable formulas. Me, trying so hard to make sense of something so nonsensical. The probability that we would work out, well, it was always unlikely at best. Things have always been a little uncomfortable because I dated your cousin, Algebra II, in high school. But it was a long time ago, and I thought we could make this work. The truth is that even though Algebra was not my favorite, even from the beginning (I was cheating on him with English the whole time, if you must know) I did come to understand and appreciate him at least a little. But you, Stats, have all of his negative qualities and almost none of his positive ones. I know it hurts to hear that, but I just feel like it’s time to be honest.
I think we both know that we bring out the worst in each other. You were always too clever for me, and I just never quite understood you. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t think you ever tried to make it easy on me. You were so wrapped up in yourself that you never thought about how hard this must be for me. You have always been selfish that way. I mean, making me hand calculate ridiculous data sets and hypothesis tests only for me to find out later that there is an entire software program designed to do just that?? What was that all about? I guess maybe you were just trying to show me a different side of you, but all it did was make an already bad relationship even worse. 
And sure, maybe I didn’t try hard enough from the beginning. Maybe my Sigma’s look like E’s and my Mu’s look like u’s, but not everyone knows the Greek alphabet like you do. Do you have to be such an elitist? I guess the truth is that I just don’t want to try this hard. I feel like if it was meant to be it wouldn’t be so much work. And I wouldn’t feel like crying all the time.
I don’t blame you if you feel used. After all, I did get only what I needed from you and now I’m moving on. But it wasn’t for lack of trying on my part. You know how many hours and days and weeks I’ve spent with you. Not to mention everything I have given up just to be with you. 
I think the worst thing is that you have ruined any small amount of belief in people that I used to have. You knew when we first met how hard it was for me to trust anyone. I almost never believed anything I ever heard or read. But then you had to go and make it worse. Now I have really seen how you can tweak and twist people's words and data around to make any study sound believable. The word “empirical” means nothing to me now. And I blame you for that.
I am not foolish enough to think that we won’t cross paths again; that I won’t need you again someday. That day will probably come. And I hope that when it does, we can be civil with one another. Maybe when the wounds aren’t so fresh. Until that time, I hope you can find someone who can truly love and appreciate all of your quirks and peculiarities. I know there are plenty of people out there who are smarter and more understanding than I am. You’re not an inherently bad subject. We just weren’t meant to be. 
Best Wishes,

P.S. I always really hated it when you compared my curves to everyone else's. Who are you to say what normal is??


  1. Congratulations on having the courage to move on from a bad relationship. Sometimes, though it's no one's fault, you just have to shake hands and say goodbye.

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