Today, though, I thought I would use my extensive marketing expertise to re-write and otherwise mock real slogans that I think are not quite right. And by "marketing expertise" I mean that I read magazines and billboards. And watch Mad Men and Bewitched. Extensive, right??
So here goes. My slogans that I think are highly inaccurate. So I rewrote them. Because I can.
WalMart: Save Money. Live Better.
Um, I'm gonna say no. But how about just: Save Money. Unless you consider it "living better" when you are the only person in the store not wearing a wifebeater. Or with shoes on. Or without holes in your clothes. I don't know exactly why I hate WalMart. But I do. Maybe it has something to do with the crowds, or the lack of popcorn or Icee machine, or the sheer blue-ness of it. I don't know. I mean, isn't blue the color of sadness and depression? Yes. Yes it is.
I think it would be better to just redo the slogan altogether. Like what about this? WalMart: It's No Target. But it is a Little Cheaper.
Or WalMart: For When You Can't Wait 2-Days for Shipping from Amazon.
McDonalds: I'm lovin' it.
How about this: I'm not lovin' it. My kids are. But then again, they eat their own boogers, so what do they know?
A little lengthy, sure. But way more accurate, don't ya think? I don't know exactly how they did it. By some miracle of advertising, or branding, or brainwashing, or a deal with the devil, McDonalds is somehow able to make every kid think that it is THE place to eat. Without actually serving anything that tastes good. They even have a psychotic-looking clown as their mascot. What the what?? I don't get it.
Except that I do like their fries. But I eat Circus Peanuts, so what do I know?
M&Ms: Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.
Weellll, not exactly. I mean, if we are going for any sort of truth in advertising, it would have to be something a little more like this:
M&Ms: Melts in your mouth, and in your hands, and in your kid's hands, and in your carpet, and on your couch, and in your car, and on your pants.
I mean, it's chocolate after all. It's good. But it's not miraculous.
L'Oreal: Because you're worth it.
Wow. I'm worth 9 dollar hair color? Really?? Aw, that's so sweet.
How about: L'Oreal: Because you're worth way more, but we're all you can afford.
They can tack Paris onto the end of their name and have all the famous and beautiful spokesmodels they want, but as long as they're peddling their wares at the local grocery store, I'm going to keep hanging on to the thought that I'm worth a little more. Even if I will never be able to afford it.
Visa: It's everywhere you want to be.
Granted, it probably is. I mean, I'm never where I want to be so I won't really ever be able to test that theory. However, just about everywhere I am does, in fact, accept a Visa card. The flaw in this slogan is that something being "everywhere" does not inherently make it a good thing.
Do you know what else is everywhere I want to be? Terrible drivers. My children. And stupid people.
How about just: Visa: Cuz buying stuff is fun. And it makes you forget for a moment about terrible drivers, your kids, and stupid people. Who are everywhere you want to be.